Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
