I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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