my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
