Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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