That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
