If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
