Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
