so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
