Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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