Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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