I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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