do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
