i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sex in the backyard? Check.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
