i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
