I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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