Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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