You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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