im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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