Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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