If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
