I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
