He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
