Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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