I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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