so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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