I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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