my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
