I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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