Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
