I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
