the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i think i have two assholes
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
