I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
