I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
