Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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