Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
