i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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