After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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