I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
