I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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