I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
