and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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