dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
