His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
