How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
