she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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