Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
And then my night got REAL pukey
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
