I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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