Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
