FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
