You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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