Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
