Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
